The pigeons are coming to get you…

By Hajira Amla

We all know pigeons can be stubborn, psychotic and sometimes just plain evil when they have inconsiderately decided to use your roof for roosting purposes. Most people who live in densely-populated urban areas will tell that no matter what you do, the pigeons are there to stay.

I discovered this firsthand when I moved more towards the centre of Johannesburg and discovered that pigeons had been residents in my ceiling space for quite some time. Every night, I lie awake listening to the sound of pigeon fights, pigeon babies and lots and lots of pigeon sex.  Several attempts have been made to remove the nests and block up the holes in the eaves where they come in, but in a couple of days the pigeons always win. After communicating their anger and utter contempt of me by trying to pry my windows open with their little red pigeon claws, they peacefully go about their business of prying another hole into the eaves and settle in once more. I have since despaired of ever prevailing against them and have resolved to move out as soon as humanly possible.

One thing I didn’t know, however, is that pigeons are so evil they have a “hive mind”, were resposible for World War One and are bent upon the destruction of the human race. I discovered this purely by accident while typing random things into Google, such as “how to kill pigeons”, “pigeons are evil” and finally, “pigeon conspiracy”.

According to PigeonResistance.com:

“The hive mind retreated and contemplated the situation. From the 1960s to the 1990s it watched as humans urbanised at a startling rate. The cities grew rapidly and the pigeons positioned their burgeoning populations in them. Sometimes they tried their old tactics - notably in Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge - but did little on a global scale.

Today, the hive mind is older, wiser and ever more intelligent. It has marshalled its forces in preparation for a final assault. Vast armies of pigeons are positioned in every city across the globe. The pigeons plan a three-fold attack:

1. Disease: the pigeons are bringing into our cities diseases which do not affect them, but are very dangerous for human beings - for example, the SARS virus scare in early 2003.
2. Biological/chemical warfare: using captured human terrorists, and playing on the current geopolitical situation, the pigeons will bring into our cities biological and chemical agents that will cause significant human fatalities.
3. Propaganda: governments and pro-pigeon groups like PAPA are used to protect pigeon interests and try to destablise anti-pigeon movements such as the Pigeon Resistance. “

Errrrr….. yes. Well then. Obviously I must have been hypnotised by the evil onslaught already. There is a book called The Pigeon Conspiracy by South African web developer Andrew Wood, a website called www.pigeonconspiracy.com and various discussion boards investigating the best way to commit pigeonicide. There’s a rumour going around the groups that baking soda makes pigeons explode. Interesting…. and this was discovered how?

After the second batch of pigeon conspiracy e-mails from a mysterious person called Richard Pierson did the rounds, governments were apparently ’lobbied to destroy urban pigeon populations and several massacres saw scores of birds killed by “anti-pigeon forces”. ‘

According to pigeonresistance’s timeline:

• The Pigeon Resistance comes to light in the St Mark’s Massacre in Venice, Italy, when Italian branch Resistenza Italiana dei Piccioni kills over 10,000 pigeons
• City authorities in Britain, France, Germany, the United States, Spain, Australia and other countries repeatedly deny the existence of a pigeon problem
• Pigeon Resistance membership breaks 100,000 barrier worldwide
• People Against Pigeon Abuse (PAPA) founded to counter Pigeon Resistance
• Despite their denials, several cities quietly implement pigeon clearing programmes
• London passes Pigeons Act, preventing feeding of pigeons in major public squares
• PAPA-UK protests against Pigeons Act in major march
• Pigeon Resistance announces 10,000 people have been dehypnotised by its psychotherapy teams
• Pigeons carrying nuclear waste found in London
• Pigeon Resistance plans International Pigeon Day (P-Day) to demonstrate against Pigeon Terror

All this clearly shows that the human race is so unutterably stupid we probably could be wiped out by pigeons. And it also proves that conclusive proof can be found to back just about anything up. I’ll stick to mild pigeon paranoia for the moment before I turn to the baking soda…